The Resurrection Day

“If one kills an innocent person it is as if one has killed all of mankind.”

The girl is in the street.
The girl is shot. A killer shots her.
She falls on the ground.
A man is by her side. The man witnesses her getting shot and falling on the ground. The man witnesses her wound. The man pushes on her wound in the hope to stop the blood. Blood oozes out of her mouth and nose and ears and eyes. Her face is covered with her blood. The blood comes from her heart. The man is shocked.
The man screams. The man witnesses death. He closes his eyes and shouts. The man stops; it is all silent around him; all he can see in his closed eyes is her face, her face covered by the blood that comes out of her heart. He opens his eyes. There is nothing but blood.
The mother relies on her, depends on her, loves her. The mother lives her. The girl is shot. The girl is dead.
The fiance talks to her every night. Her sight sooths him and her words delight him. There is no word tonight. The girl’s mouth is filled by her blood.
The brother looks at her as an achiever, as a person of her word, as a pillar of trust. The pillar of trust is covered with blood.
The father takes pride in the girl. The father looks at her face and his eyes are smiling. The father looks at her face; the face is covered with blood. The father’s eyes are crying.
The girl is waiting at the gate of Heaven. She is waiting for her killer to die. Surely he will die. And when she meets him again, she will claim her blood from his filthy hands. She is not claiming her life. She is claiming her mother’s broken back; she is claiming his father’s bitter sorrow; she is claiming his brother’s mistrust in the world; she is claiming her fiance’s dreams; she is claiming her children, those who never were born, she is claiming the man’s nightmare of death.
She is claiming all mankind's right!

Father's Day

It is going to be a special father's day in our house tomorrow. Not only we will celebrate the day for M, a wonderful dad I can testify to for ever and ever, my dad is going to arrive at our place at the same day! A is already excited for the occasion although I am not sure if he comprehends the occasion fully. We have prepared gifts and I am planning to bake (ironically) Grandma VI's Coffee Cake. Also to cook M's favorite dinner which I am sure my dad will like too.

I am both excited and a bit anxious. Since I have married, since I have had a home I am the lady of, this is the first time my dad is going to come to my house, and will stay for a couple weeks. All is so very exciting and anticipating and worrisome and happy.

Happy Father's Day to All the Wonderful Dads!

Silence

...

These Days

• A lot is going on with the upcoming election in Iran. Things look not very promising and it gets to my heart listening to the lies. God have Merci on us!
• I learnt a new side in me: I can tolerate a lot of bad going on about me, but my tolerance towards A being harmed is close to zero. I found myself acting like a female lion, furious, knowing that A was picked on at preschool. A did not seem to be sad at all, but I could cry.
• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: An interesting idea about a person being born old and growing young
• Revolutionary Road: The dialogues were mine and that was very very amazing to listen to. I cannot relate to the conclusion fully but the idea was exactly something I have been struggling with: life
• Taken: A movie about human traffic that is ongoing even at this very moment. Unreal action, successful suspense, and sad
• Nick and Nora's Infinite Play list: A cheesy movie about a few teens, laughed at them a lot
• The Reader: A different movie, interesting relationship between a teenager and an older woman; interesting pride
• Antonia's Line: Brilliant!
• Slumdog Millionaire: Absolutely engaging and sad
• Vicki Cristina Barcelona: Loved it!
• And so many other movies I will try to write about later

Earth, Rain, Heaven

It is raining. A cold rain that makes her shiver. She is all wet, a big drop of water falls from her hair once in a while. She does not mind at all it seems. She is walking with her head down to earth, her eyes following her feet, and her feet following all the puddles of water. Things seem too complicated now, too hard to comprehend, and the rain seems the tiniest matter of focus. Or is it? She suddenly lifts up her head to the sky. She cannot keep her eyes open under the rain drops, but manages at last with a hard squinch. It seems as if the whole sky has opened up and each and every drop is falling aiming at her, as if she is the center of it all...
She smiles at the heavens.

No Description

Family rollercoaster

Throwing the spoon: steaming
Finishing his meal at the table: pleasant

Another accident: disappointing
Running to bathroom and finishing the job all by himself: prideful

Screaming for his desirous mater: painful
Talking politely with a tilted head: lovable

Throwing the toy train: unwatchable
Cleaning up after his play: rejoicing

Reading a book out loud by himself: lovely
Waking up singing: sweat
Running to you to tell all about cracking his egg all by himself: endearing
Paddling a bend flawlessly: prideful
Show desire to learn: hopeful
Arranging the silverware on the table: adorable
Saying hi to the cashier lady: nice
A: the whole definition of LOVE

Other's Opinion

I got a couple minutes to browse the Globe and Mail newspaper that was left for me on Saturday before checking out of my room this morning. A red shoe picture caught my attention on top of one of the pages that read “Your Feet Will Love You Page 7”. So I turned to page seven where in the middle of the page there was The Weekend Horoscope. I though it might be fun to check what the stars had to tell me “this weekend”. And here is what I found under Sagittarius: “Other people’s ideas and opinions may have a lot to commend them but your own are so much better. They may at times be a little bit out of the ordinary but that’s part of the attraction – others expect you to be different, even outrageous. Don’t disappoint them.” Oh I started laughing by myself in reference to my last post regarding the other people’s opinion and how it had gotten in to my nerve and how M and SK and VH were actually very much encouraging towards my own ideas. I think I should be happy again with my outrageous ideas despite others :)

Fun Vancouver

My feet have blisters now but I still need to wear my high hills tomorrow. The practicum was very good today. This is amazing how I get to talk to interesting people in these kind of venues. I had to confess about the age of my son, the duration of my marriage, another confession I will not note here, and my age to a 26 year old. In the end of the day an opinion of a person made me thoughtful, not very much fun. I talked about it with M when I got back to the hotel and got nothing but support and yet I was sad, so I realized I had missed some thing badly and then decided to listen to "going to Ca". It was amazing how soothing it was! I am really living in another era being addicted to such old classics! It was nice though that SHK, who is one year younger than I am, was listening to one of my favorite old old songs when I got into his car last night to go to his parents' place; he also knew Led Zeppelin and he recognized the ring tone of my cell phone: niaaz. So I am not the only one enjoying the old themes. I find art in them, and some thing I cannot fully explain.

I had dinner with SK and VH tonight; sharing the rotten opinion I had heard earlier and chatting with old friends were really calming. We walked in Stanley Park for more than an hour; I was wearing my sneakers which made me yearning to run but I did not. Very beautiful park by the way which resembled the park side of Zenderoud River to me and I could enjoy an ice cream there... Next time when I will be here with M hopefully, and A can have a blue scoop if he wanted...

Later in the evening I got out again to meet my second cousin. She is a very nice lady who reminded me of another second cousin... Family is really precious!

From Vancouver

I got here in the mid afternoon to attend a two-day practicum over the weekend. Vancouver looks like a beautiful city so far. My hotel is by the Fraser River harbor and at check in the receptionist decided to promote my room and gave me a harbor-facing room with a lovely view. On the other side of the river there are mountains and on the top of the further summits you can detect white snow. I am truly enjoying it with a big chunk missing: M&A.

I got to meet my second cousin BKH and his family tonight; we had only talked on the phone before and he always sounded very warm and friendly and he truly was, so was his wife. I got to meet his son and his daughter-in-law who are in the same age range as I am. I loved them all. I also met their friend who was visiting from Ottawa, PJ, a very interesting guy who could speak Xhosa.

I had forgotten how polite and friendly Canadians are.

My Mother's Day Sunday

It was the first year I felt really like it was my day, not only my mom's! Interestingly when this morning I reminded S, that it was Mother's Day during our family chat that occurs every Sunday morning she informed that our mom was not attending the family chat so we could not congratulate her North American Mother's Day. It took her some time to realize that she could congratulate me too ;) Last year we were all in Canada for the mother's day, my mom, S, A, and me. I was happy that I was with my mom that day. S bought us each a purse which was a very sweet act of hers as sweet as she always is.
My mother's day really started on Friday with an orange flower from work, and then messages and phone calls from friends and families, it was really nice of them all. Today my M had arranged us/me a very nice day: We had a very peaceful brunch at our favorite brunch place late in the morning. Then we went to the mall to buy my present which M could not buy without my presence: a new pair of sunglasses! I had just bought a pair, but they are white and rather cheap. M thought they were not suiting all of my outfits which was so true. I love the new pair A gave me today, no need to say.
We had a very nice afternoon resting in our family bed; I was reading my new book! M and A were reciting poems. A was especially a sweet son today; plus he had less "accidents" for the day.
Early evening we all went for a run/walk/stroll around the block. I was running away from M and A for the duration of a song I was listening to and then running back to them during the second song the way M had suggested. At the third song A decided to join me. I had no idea he could run so fast! I was proud and happy to find him such a fit runner!
After his bath this evening and listening to dad's stories A slept like a charm, being so tired of the run of course!
It was a great Sunday I did not want it to end! ... Happy Mother's Day to all MOMS!

Another Time

I am strangely powerful and sleepless tonight. I slept only a few hours last night while I was still recovering from a cold, worked five hours today, ran errands, played with A, spent the evening with my family at our relatives' in Walnut Creek, drafted A's birthday party, reviewed a family matter with my M, and yet I feel no need to rest! Things, those that were not in place, have fundamentally changed.
This is the strange beauty of life I adore: There is a time for weakness; I got to the very bottom I cautiously chose not to try any longer, I accepted the limits; and as soon as I really really let go of it, it got resolved in a way I would have never imagined... It is so heartwarming; I trust the Intelligent Love that holds the whole being.

Our midterm paper got through properly. Our midterm meeting with Jan went very well on Friday. I am pleased and thankful.

A practically flooded the bathroom. Apparently he filled the bathroom sink with torn pieces of paper towel while the water facet was on. The whole bathroom floor and carpets in there got wet and I still don't know why there is no drain in the bathrooms! Per M all these happened in 10 minutes. Luckily I was not home, I just saw the pictures of the ocean of paper towels!

Before that A and M were playing while sitting on our bed this morning. M's tummy started rumbling and A got curious about the noise. M said it was his tummy rumbling. A few minutes later apparently there was no surprising sound any more, A concluded: "Daddy! Is the thunderstorm in your tummy over?"
The real story happened in Farsi actually, when M had said "delam ghaar o ghoor mikone" and later A concluded "baabaa! ghoorbaaghehe raft?"

Time

The last thing on my agenda was blogging tonight, yet here I am, blogging!
I left work in the middle of the afternoon feeling sick. I think I was just too drained.
I bitterly realized again that there are certain scars made in relationships, of any kind, that are just never healing. Time will pass and I may forget about it but it wont heal, ever. As it was said in the movie we were watching last night, "The proverb is wrong. Time does not heal all wounds. It merely softens the pain and blurs the memories."
A few big pieces are not in place and a change is needed; the change needs energy, a momentum to begin with, and I feel too weak to take care of it. That is fine though; There is a time to be powerful and there is a time to be weak. This is the weak cycle for me. And it just gets more beautiful with my midterm paper due tomorrow before midnight!
On Friday I met the dudes again to hash out our midterm paper topics and fill in as much as possible. I was sure they had figured the whole thing out thinking they only had one or two courses and their water polo/swimming practices with no family or job and I should be the one who knew the least. Ten minutes into our meeting I realized they had practically done nothing. I shared my findings and pointed out references to them. On Sat I sent them my part of the paper and till now there is only one paragraph added to the paper by them. I am thinking I may need to finish the whole thing myself.
I made celery stew for dinner. Chopping crisp celery stalks was really soothing, like popping plastic bubbles.
A makes me laugh a lot lately; his careless imaginations and his funny observations are just hilarious and refreshing. I hope he stocks on these pain free days!

13- conversations

Eyes
A has the darkest eyes and he knows
When he was sleepy I always pointed out that his eyes were sleepy "vaghti cheshmaat pore khaabe be che range..."; now instead of announcing that he is tired or sleepy he claims that his eyes are "filled with sleep"!
Thursday is the day
Every thing has been done on Thursdays, and every thing will be done on Thursdays!
Universe
At night we were driving, he asked where the sun was, and to the answer "on the other side of the planet" his question followed "where is the other side of the planet?"
Blue is the color
A is prettending to drive to Safeway on his toy truck: "I am going to buy us milk". Me: "Great! Please buy us a few potato too" -"OK! I'll buy blue potato"
I pointed that his p-e-e was yellow, he confirmed: "yeah, it is not blue!"
Books
Eric Carle's THE VERY quartet: "The very hungry caterpillar" (thanks to LM and MM for introducing it to A and us) about hope; "The very busy spider" about work; "The very quiet cricket" about love; "The very lonely firefly" about belonging
A and M went to the library together and read Eric Carle's works and borrowed a few
A was so excited after that
A recites books the sweetest way; telling the whole story with such joy every time, looking at the words as if he is really reading them
Dad
I think M is the best father ever!

Untamably B.L.U.N.T.

• Had not heard from him for ages, got a message today "yours truly"
• Never try to decode my code
• She has missed me so much she cried
• He thinks if she was not who she is he was the happiest man
• She, the architect, is going back to school to learn German language
• He read me the poem he had written thirteen years ago
• She covered her wall with pictures of one boy: her son
• 30+/-3-year-olds have gone strangely strange
• The above statement is fueling new words in my head
• She licked the ice cream made of the wildest berries
• She thinks it is the spring smell
• She loves the smell of orange blossoms
• He writes
• She believes it is the number 30
• She cannot resist the odor of pepper and sandal wood
• She took a picture of her wildest look
• She became a human right activist, got hurt several times, still persisting
• She found the greatest pleasure in her life doing what people said she could not do
• He started his new business doing what we were not taught at school
• She scared a cat running, a dog scared her; She thinks the universe can claim harmony
• U are the sacred secrete she'd never write about

Running the Ocean

The sky is dark navy yet bright; the way it is right at midnight. The heat of the day is still raising from the sand. The ocean is dark, appears white here and there. She is looking into the deep horizon right where white ocean waves are crashing into the night sky. The smell of the seaweed and seawater make her wanting to breathe deeper and longer.
She tightens the straps of her white shoes and starts running on the beach. She never knows the next elevation at which her foot would land, the beach is always unpredictable, exciting, anticipatable.
There are tones of stars in the sky.
She heads towards the paved road that runs by the beach and continues running. The wind in her short hair, her ever present running partner, is soothing. She starts hearing her breath and soon feeling the pulse in the veins of her calves. She subconsciously speeds up; she is so fast she can feel her knees in the air. She slows down smiling, turns back and stars running backwards the whole duration of the song she is listening to: "Telling myself it is not as hard hard hard as it seems"
She drops the white earphones on the beach. The ocean water feels cold on her hot sweating skin.

Lost and Found

I decided not to take my cell phone to the park; not really intentionally, I like staying in touch; however, it was in charge and I wanted to leave the house. So I left it at home and headed to the park with A. We played a little bit until A decided he wanted to walk by the creek that runs behind the park and leads to a bridge he likes a lot. Off we went on the trail.
It was a windy afternoon but not as windy as past few days. There were apartments that faced the creek, walking by them we heard the jingling sound of a wind chimer which we soon located on a third floor balcony. A announced that it should have been RN's place! I was fascinated by his conclusion; a few weeks ago we were at RN's place where A went to the balcony and got carried up to play with the chimer. I would never imagine he had remembered! So I decided I needed to call RN and let her know how impressed A was with the experience but I did not have my cell phone.
We got to the bridge and walked to the other side. I felt like having ice cream badly and I suggested that to A which he passed. Later though, after walking far enough from the bridge and being completely satisfied with imitation of being a train he asked if he could have a blue scoop. I affirmed he could. I thought to call M so we could all go to Cold Stone; but of course, I did not have my cell phone with me.
We started heading back towards the park and where I had parked my car that I heard a sobbing sound. There was a young boy of age 5 or 6 riding his bike towards us. I thought I was mistaken but as he got closer I got sure it was him sobbing in fear. When he approached I asked if any thing was wrong. Quite predictively he said he was lost. I tried to calm him down, introduced myself and A and asked of his name. Then asked were he had last seen his parents which was at the park. So I suggested we should go back but he was sure he did not want to go back and that his father was going the opposite direction of the park. So I asked if he knew of his dad's cell phone number and he claimed he did. Well, I did not have a cell phone to call him! That was an amazing day to go without one!
A guy was approaching with a little kid so I thought he should be cooperative. I walked towards him and explained the situation and asked if he could call the number Lewis, the lost boy, had memorized as his dad's cell. So the guy called the dad but he said he did not know how to talk to the dad! So I grabbed the phone and asked if he had a lost boy to which he answered his son should have been at the park with his mom; then I asked what the name of the son was and he said Lewis. Bingo! I said he is with me and I am walking him back to the park and the dad said he would be there in five minutes.
Surprisingly, on the way back, M joined us! He knew I did not have my cell with me and calling me and getting no response he was sure we were still at the park and if not there on the trail. Seems like I don't need a cell phone to get in touch with him!
Soon Lewis located his dad riding towards us. A family reunion. And off we went to Cold Stone.

A Saturday Noon

A was cajoling M to play with him. I was busy in the kitchen preparing lunch, putting the salmon in the oven, the corns in the pot, and laying three plates on the counter with lettuce and cherry tomatoes and olive waiting for the main courses to join them. When I was done with preparation it was my turn to play with A and he was not in his best mood. He was demanding for every thing to go his way knowing that he was the prince in our castle. We were pushing fire trucks to put down some imaginary fires. He would announce when the imaginary street light turned green or the arrow was red and I had to wait for the green light. He had placed a gate too in front of the door to his room and he was the gate keeper to let the truck move in and out. Pushing the truck around the house a couple times it was getting a bit boring, plus my mind was still searching for the sound and lyrics of the song “Rawhide”. I was sure I had heard the song, I was sure my dad had it in one of his western song cassettes being a fan himself. I even remembered how the song shouted Rawhide but not much else. In the mean time the phone rang and it was my mom. I was freed from the play, rushing to the bedroom with my lap top on my lap sitting on the bed and listening to my mom on the phone. I started searching for the song while she talked and I found a promising link in youtube. The conversation was over and it seemed calm outside: A playing by himself and M on the computer. So I played the link I had found and that was it! I watched it a couple times; I found the lyrics too and started singing with the song a couple times. The tune was so uplifting that A decided to join me in the room. I was lying on my tummy now diagonally working on the lap top and he climbed on my back, a scary move now that we are practicing potty training with him. But I put up with it. Soon though it was A demanding for “nollin’” (I guess that is what he heard) again and again and started jumping on the bed claiming he was dancing, he liked the “hah” part of the song and so did I. We sang together now and I was truly enjoying his dance laughing happily. Soon it was time to attend to the salmon yet he was not ready to quit the dancing. So I suggested we would go to the living room with my lap top while I could take care of the lunch. In the living room he wanted me to join him in the dance and of course I did especially now that he was my partner in my occasional evening dances; M never was much into it, although it was him giving me the "dance me to the end of love" album as a gift long ago. Soon though M joined us too and it became a three partnered dance while the house smelled like roasted salmon.

Enjoy this link! (caution: occasional violent scenes; the song is still good)



Check this one out too. Sometimes you find tranquility where you least expect it...

The Kids

I went to Stanford in the late afternoon to meet with my new prof on the subject of my paper. This was the second week of classes and I was not prepared at all, as a matter of fact I had learned about the subject of my project just yesterday which was chosen for me because I had not responded on time and the subject was awful; thankfully though I could change it to a more appropriate one communicating with the TA yesterday. She suggested I worked with a team of two that were going to work on one of the subjects I was interested in and I was happy to. She introduced the team via e-mail: CA and RM. I e-mailed them today telling them about myself a little; CA responded and suggested he would call me at 6PM to discuss some crucial matters.
I picked up A after work and dropping him off at M’s office. How excited he was to go to daddy’s work place, waving bye bye happily! And I knew he would spend most of the time in the conference room, drawing on the white board with at least four different colors of markers.
So I arrived at Stanford. I like the fresh spirit at school. The young folks walking and biking and skate boarding as if are living in a palace over the clouds. The college years are the years of crazy ideas, crazy kids believing they know every thing, smitten kids, and I am talking from experience ...
I had to find the Terman Engineering Center building where Prof’s office was. Based on Google map I knew I was close, I parked my car by a courtyard and got off wandering around to find the building. There were a few young girls and boys skate boarding on the courtyard that was connected to a lower court by a couple of steps. There was a girl sitting on the most right side of the step in the direction I was approaching them, she was looking another way. I said “excuse me” and I continued as she turned my way “do you know where Terman building is?” Now she was looking in my eyes and I was deeply engaged with her bluish grayish green eyes; it took me a fraction of second to comprehend she had said she had no clue.
I walked by another lady and asked, she did not know either, and suddenly another kid approached happily “do you need help?” I asked about the building on Palama Mall. She explained she never paid attention to street names riding her bike and that she did not know of the building and asked if I had a map. This time I smiled at her, a kind of “of course not” smile! A young boy and girl came our way when the happy girl shouted “Dude! Do you know where Terman Eng is?”. He paused and turned his torso all the way and pointed a direction about my 1 O’clock “it is that way” somewhere over a few buildings in front of me. I pointed towards my 1 O’clock and exclaimed “so I should just walk that way?” as if I could fly over the buildings! I just nodded and smiled reminding myself that they were just kids, the way GC would say. I walked towards my 12 O’clock. Another “dude” was coming my way and I realized after I asked to be excused that he was listening to some thing with earphones in his ears. Very politely though he took them out and listened to my question. Then turned around and kindly walked with me a few feet until I could see the building and left me at that point. I thanked him, walked to the building, went upstairs to the 3rd floor, and spotted another “dude” while looking for room 344. “Are you here to talk to Jan?” he asked me with a smile on his face referring to the Prof as “Jan”! I confirmed I was. He showed me a corridor “that way” and left. I wanted to ask what the meeting was about, I had no clue. Yet he was already gone.
I arrived at 344. It was not 6 PM yet. Jan, the Prof, was sitting in his office with the door open, talking on the phone. I thought it must have been a meeting with another group being conducted as a tele meeting. I continued to the end of the corridor standing by a tall window watching outside when my cell phone rang. It was CA. He said he was coming to the building and claimed he was gray about the whole paper thing as well. While on the phone I spotted a “dude” walking towards the building also talking on his cell and thought it must be him.
I like the first encounters, a mysterious experiment and yet not risky at all. There is a lot you may learn the first time you meet a person. He was a shy yet talkative kind of person knowledgeable and passionate about his job offer in a consulting company for medical devices. He was a senior student in human biology finishing his last quarter. The course I am taking, Technology Assessment and Regulations of Medical Devices, is a graduate course at Management Science and Engineering department and the senior students are also entitled to attend the class. We talked about the course a little and how I liked the previous courses I had taken and that I was working on neurovascular devices and that he liked this subject. He said he knew RM, the other "dude" in the team, because he was in the Water Polo team and CA was in the swimming team. I was amazed and I told him I was a swimming champion at college too. He said his dad encouraged him to take the course being a maxillofacial surgeon and I exclaimed my parents were dentists. He said he was glad that their team had an experienced person, referring to me ;) After a few minutes of brief but informative chit chat RM appeared, we introduced ourselves but I have nothing much to say about him except that he was more of a silent kind of person, at lease at the first encounter.
It was 6:10 PM or so when Jan came to the door welcoming us inside. He said we were his last appointment that day.
Surprisingly, not knowing about the disease state of our subject I could still carry a conversation mainly about the regulatory requirement and market assessment strategy. I had talked long enough when Jan with his Austrian?./Dutch?/German? accent asked: “I have a very heavy accent myself but I can detect a little accent in you too, where are you from originally?” I smiled “yes, I do have an accent, and I am originally from Iran”. Talking about accent reminded me of Nathan, an Engineer in Trainee I worked with during my last weeks at Canspec who reminded me of Ethan Hawk, a taller and blonder version. The first time John introduced him and left he asked if I was from South America (I get that sort of comment every one out of three times I meet some one new) he thought I had that sort of accent. A couple weeks later we went for an out of town job, a project of mine that I was training Nathan to carry along, staying at a hotel for a couple nights in Barrie. As oppose to me he didn't want to spend the whole nights resting. This project was in a tough job environment: a cement company with a very large lot; we had to walk a lot all day in such dirty place. I used to cover my whole body going there, literally: overall and scarf and safety hat and ear plugs and goggles and mask and boots, yet coming back I had to take a shower immediately to take out cement even from my ears! But he did not stay put after works and after dinner the first night we stayed up talking for good part of the evening, he said he loved Spanish accent and he wanted to go to South America to meet a girl with accent! He also claimed being interested to learn Farsi and he wanted to hear me talking Farsi -which is very hard to do if there is no specifics to talk about. He was really insisting though, looking around the first word that came to my mind was “yakhchal”, not the best word for a beginner I know! Still he practiced a few times, he was not a bad student. We lost touch though and I am not sure if he did marry a girl with Spanish accent or even if he married at all, I left Canspec to AECL and I knew he was going to join the Vancouver branch a few months after.
The team, the project subject, and the prof all seem very exciting. Jan was amazingly attentive, which reminded me how a supervisor should really be. He responded our questions very kindly directing us to bring us to a brighter understanding of the requirements of the course project and paper, showed us a couple tricks and when we were running out of time he was concerned if he was keeping us!! He was a supervisor who was passionate about the performance of his students himself.

politics

It is really difficult to stand behind the podium and talk politics. You should be sure about your opinion (and as far as I am concerned, politics is mainly based on opinions), you should be too quick in choosing the best words, and you should speak so confidently as if you are the master of the whole world.
Last night, we were listening to George Galloway's talk. His opinions were very interesting, different, sometimes even similar to mine; but what was really amusing was his tone, his words, every nuance in his voice. I have met a person just like that. He chooses the best words at each occasion, his voice always calm and still very strong. I think this is a trait rarely found, a talent, and it is a blessing to listen to such person.
I am going to have one of the toughest discussions I ever had in a couple of days explaining a very weird situation. This is how I am so vigilant about words and opinions and expressions lately. I need to be focused. I need a few guidelines, and last night, amazingly, I was looking for a management book in the house and I found none! I am very interested in people management and yet I have no single book on the subject. I was shocked at myself!

In the Hide of the Mountain

I arrive. I am in the round cottage on the top of the mountain, sitting on the floor in the lotus pose thankfully at the presence of the most content people I was so yearning to meet again. The roof has a circlular window to the sky, the stars so close. I can smell the earth. There is a candle burning on the other side of the room. I close my eyes and breathe the presence. Then I wish to pray. The first person in my mind is my lovely Sani, then ... I feel the warmth of my tears on my lips. I love the silent weeping of my heart in the pure presence. And I pray.
All is so purely heartwarming, greatly calming. I am thinking how tiny and invisible my problems truly are. How drossy the ego!
It is time to drive back. It is midnight. I turn on my cellphone and put it back in my purse. There is no reception in the mountain, am I waiting for a call? Really I am longing, patiently and unconditionally.
I am sitting in the back by myself and I like it. I lay on the back sit. The stars in the sky are vanishing as we drive towards the highway. I want to hold on to all the starry moments I just experienced.
We drive a little more and then I hear the beeping sound of my cell. I don't need to take my cellphone out of hide to know about the msg/txt, I know. I was heard.

Convertibles

I am drawn to convertibles! I cannot pass one and control my head not to turn in the direction, especially if it is a Nissan Z350 in black!

Happy Persian New Year

I hope this is a year filled with peace and love, health and wealth, and any thing any one wishes for for all!

Great start in the middle of the night all by myself and all the thoughts and prayers I wished for; still knowing M and A were by my side just in the other room. I kind of enjoyed my quiet moment at the turn of the year. Quiet outside and inside filled with prayers, desires, hopes, and joys of a new beginning...

All was new

All was new. I was walking in the world knowing what I knew and not knowing what I didn't. I am still walking in the world, still knowing what I know and not knowing what I don't. But I know one new thing: that I like it here. There is a reason for me to be here. I had the greatest experience I am so longing to re-experience again. The people, the God, the presence... It is a relief!

On another note, I have a new manager now. The core team leader in R&D is also my manager now. This transfer has forced me to read the book "Getting past No" by William Yuri. Office politics!

And still there are new things, so sacred, so dear in my heart, I still want to hold on to them as my precious treasure.

The audition

About five months ago we were approached by a studio Representative in a mall we were walking at. It was the third time I was asked to put A's name in the list to be contacted for modelling. They always needed kids older than three and I refused for other reasons as well. That day the lady really insisted and promised to call later when A was older but still That day I accepted.

Then, last week, I got a call from the studio and after much hesitation and contemplation we finally decided to go. Our audition was scheduled for Saturday morning.

We were there a few minutes late. The room was filled with kids and their parents, the youngest was at least three and the oldest sixteen.

Finally the catwalk show began. All the kids went on a line to climb on the platform. They were supposed to walk to their spot, then announce their name and age, then walk back and wave to the audience.

A did a marvelous job: he climbed on the platformed and every body clapped, intuitively he smiled at the audience comfortably and walked to his spot. He announced his name and then showed number three with his fingers in response to the question about his age. He is not really three but that was close enough. He walked back and waved to the audience. Such a nice job he did and so proud we were to see him act like that.

Turned out in the end that he was too Young. They might contact us again in six months. We would not be expecting any thing but the experience was a unique one for us all.

New project: Shopping Online

This was a new experience: shopping for cloths and shoes, online!
The result: marvelous!

• You can browse the online store based on your criteria rather than walking all the isles in a real store to find sth similar to what is in your mind
• You don't need to schedule for M and A to either be with you or not be with you at the time of shopping
• When you get what you ordered, instead of imagining how it would fit with the rest of the attire while trying it in a store fitting room, you grab the rest of outfit from your own closet and set and match as desired
• You can always return what you end up not liking or what dose not fit

Conclusion: It was a successful project

In an empty night
All that you can wish for
Is pure presence

Namjoo

We treated ourselves to Namjoo's solo concert last night, we being M and myself thanks to Parsa and his family who took care of A while we were gone. We met a few friends there which was sweet, and then had a great time listening to Namjoo's masterpieces. As Siamak puts it, he is a genius. Really versatile while reflecting his true feelings and emotions through his voice and setar or guitar. What really made me happy was that M also liked him and his play, he was not very much into his works before that. And A had a very nice time at Parsa's place, kissing every one when leaving and telling us that he had played with Parsa joyfully.

sacred secret

Sometime you want to write about something to reveal your feeling towards it, love and affection, or dislike and dismay. The feeling is so pure and intact you want it unveiled.

Yet sometime you don’t want to write about something not to reveal your feelings about it. The feeling is so pure and intact you keep it secret, you want it veiled, your heart wants to keep it sacred ...

What a morning :)

We watched another episode of The Soprano’s last night, like every other nights lately. Correction: M watched another episode of The Soprano’s last night, like every other nights lately, and I napped by his side. And later he recapped me quickly walking my sleepy head to the bedroom. Then this morning A was in the bed with us, one of his frequent raising nights that ends up in our Queen Size bed (A is growing, we need a King!). The smell of A’s skin is the sweetest smell in the whole world, and his early raising voice is the voice coming from the heavens. I have a big hug from him before leaving to work. On the short happy walk to my car I enjoy the sight of pink blossoms and the smell of blooming flowers and wet grass. Later, I am driving and listening to Shajarian: dele divaane am divaane tar shi. It reminds me of Afsi. I wanted to call her last night so I decide it is a good time to call using my hands free ear set. I get the answering machine. Is the baby arriving now? A smile covers my face just imagining that, and assuming a happily tired look in the new mom’s face and the desperately grateful look in the new dad’s face. I don’t know why but I think they are the kind of pair reacting the way I thought we did the day we were blessed with A. I am still driving and now turning to head the Mission Hills. My great goodness! There is snow on the hills, white and bright and inviting. Thank you God!

I park in the parking lot reciting the song to me in a whisper. I meet the always smiling janitor lady and greet her and encourage her to make a short drive down the highway to see the snow if she likes (Well, this is California we talk about, and pardon me my Toronto residing readers for such an excitement over such a tiny amount of snow you need to drive a little to spot but I still love snow!). I walk up the stairs and then into the building. There are red heart-shape balloons every where, well, not quite everywhere, not at my cubicle for instant, but at the technicians’ and admins’ cubicles. I guess I am happy with my red rose then! And of course, all these should be Mike Mc’s job! The sight is pretty, like walking into a heaven of working offices and cubicles. I can feel the excitement in people’s face and voice as they walk into the door. It is St Valentine’s birthday tomorrow, the messenger of love. However, there is love and the tiny miracles of life every where every day and moment. Happy life!


PS:
I planned to write in Nimshab today, and I almost wrote the scheme in my head. Then I am at work trying to open blogspot, and what do I know, the website is blocked by BSC because of its Social Networking and Personal Sites content. Funny! So my dear readers! No updates at work possible either, so when do I get a chance to update? We will see. For now I will write and save when the moment is right and then paste to my blog later at home, how about that?

PPS:
Now that I am posting the text, it is early evening and we know now that Nargol, Afsi and Reza's baby girl, was born last night. So happy for them! So wish I could be with them!!

somewhere over the rainbow

We were driving home with A in the car. It was raining. Obviously we could not go to the park because all of the playing structures were wet. So we tried to focus on the rain and suddenly the sky opened up very narrowly just in front of the orange late afternoon sun. I looked in the mirror and as predicted found A staring at the orange ball in the sky. I warned him not to for the health of his eyes and promised him a rainbow, I thought there should be a rainbow when it rained and there was the sun in the sky at the same time. A did not budge though; he was determined to look at the sun. I started looking around frantically in the range of my front view but could not spot any sign of a rainbow for the next seven or ten minutes of the ride; well of course I could not, because we were driving towards the sun and no way there could be rainbow in that direction! Then suddenly, after turning a bend, there was the rainbow. I signaled and stopped by the curb right away to make sure A saw the rainbow. His face was as colorful as the rainbow. And God! What a spectacular phenomenon the rainbow truly is!

a break

We are having a break from meetings and I am jumping to my blog sitting in the meeting room. Feels good, especially because I have a protective screen on my monintor and my neighbors wont know what I am typing.

We are watching The Sopranos. M just finished the last episode of the fifth season last night. I could not tolerate the violence again and I skept the last episode of this season. I liked the fourth season a lot I guess because the focus was the Soprano family. This fifth season was also interesting with new people getting introduced and new problems ...

I need a good English fiction. Any suggestion any one? The last book I read was "Runaway" by Alice Munro. Loved it.

Resuming the meeting ...

It has been a week of fanfare for me so far. Meetings after meetings and discussions after discussions. I feel I need a vacation already so I can rest away from all these and spend more time with my family. I have become the responsible for two major subjects in our project which is nice and scary at the same time. Great thing is that we have a great team work so every thing is going to be done after consultations and when a consensus is made.

I tuned my guitar again last night and played a few chords. I needed that, so soothing!

This morning the clouds were very beautiful. Early in the morning I was driving and the dawn sky was pink with purple lines of scattered clouds.

I am going to pick up Arman early today. I am going to just relax with him. By that I mean taking care of a shopping, taking care of a dinner (I am thinking of chicken baked in oven) and taking care of Arman. That is the new definition of relaxation! ;)

2008

I am guilty of writing so infrequently, and in English I know... Yet here I am, writing in my beloved blog.
I love the spirit these days. I came to work this morning finding a present from my new manager for the new year. It is a chocolate box with a small note. Some thing I would have never expected from him. And a card from a colleague. And a lunch gathering with a dozen other colleagues.
Tomorrow is going to be the last working day in 2008...
This is the year end and and yet I like the fact that this is a semi-end of the year for me. There is still months left of 1387.
Yalda night was memorable for me this year, Hafiz talked to us so nicely I feel the joy every time I remember our verse; Ours, my family's.
It is cloudy today... The other day, on the way to work, just when I turned a bend on a bridge to head north, there was a rainbow so pure and radiant you could feel God.
One thing I learnt: just to be, and to be grateful. Tough stuff I warn you, but so liberating, may be the ultimate destiny...
Happy Holidays!
Merry Christmas!
And Happy New Year!

there is beauty

calm
smile
ocean
nature
leaf
breeze
blue
kind
future
breathe
content
eyes
friendship
love
hour glass
orange
fragrance
shine
strong
beat
proud
God
truth
colors
walking
tender
present
...

پاییز

روز‌های آخر پاییز، برگ‌های صد رنگ، هوای ابری
یک حضور بارز در زمان هست

I have to!

I have to write, even if to write that I have to write.

My A has grown very affectionate and very moody. His mood swings from very happy to very angry in a blink of an eye. But he is mostly sweet and he talks like an angle with his head tilted and his black eyes looking into yours with a sincere love.

We walked with M yesterday morning. It was great just to walk in an autumnal breeze.

I got an A- in my 40% midterm and I just submitted another 40% assignment on Thursday, a few minutes before dead line. Some how it is very important for me.

Work is crazy and busy. No need to talk about it.

And life is passing. Since I started this piece of writing a few minutes have passed. And every thing else passes to. My birthday is approaching and it is amusing for my heart that I find my mind thinking about it, about my birthday, in a bitter sweet fashion this time for the first time. I know age is only a number, I believe so. Yet I admit that I have this superficial stereo type about age ranges too. I find myself in need to talk with other friends same age as mine, whose birthdays and a few months before or after mine. I need to call Daniela and talk to Pegah and Nafiseh may be. I think it is mainly because of my crazy ideas and sudden changes in direction. May be I am growing more cautious.

There is a wisdom in the world. I trust that being and his/her wisdom.

heaven and earth

This is this time of the year again: orange.
There is orange and gold and red every where, on the trees, on the brownish blue pond, on the green grass.
I love the calm cloudy mornings, and then the cool midday breezes. Fall is lovely, inviting for a hike in the middle of the woods and inhalation of all the autumnal smell in the air. Love the color, love the chill, love the smell, and love the life underneath the dead costume. Thank God for autumn!

costume

I made A's fist Halloween costume tonight. I practically brain stormed with myself inside Walmart in the middle of the isle that stocks handicraft accessories. There were foam cut figures, wooden pieces of pre-cut shapes, small clay statues, feathers, sticks, colorful cotton balls, foam balls, foam cones, ... and a few brands of glue. I really put my brain on the isle and here is my master piece:

Do I need to mention I am proud of it? A was with me during the work handing me the feathers. He can sort based on colors now which is lovely to watch. A looks fabulous in feathery black.
Oh, and my 40% assignment is due in two hours and nineteen minutes.

Au Revoir Houston

It is a cloudy day here in Houston, it should be hot and humid outside. The conference is almost over and I am so ready to get back home.
These past nights I called A every night to tell him his bedtime story and sing him his lullaby. The stories are on demand, the second night he asked for the khale bozi story. I changed the story a bit, in which the mother goat was actually going to a conference instead of going to collect food for her kids. I think he liked it, because except for the first night that he asked for Panirak story (which is about a little mouse who was not sure his mom loved him because she demanded him to be careful all the time), the rest of the nights he asked for khale bozi's story.
Time to check out. I am happy. Only worried about my assignment which is due midnight tonight. I have four hours in the plane to work on it though.

More updates

• I am completely sleepless and awfully tired
• Love the conference and cases
• Met old friends tonight, enjoyed being with them a lot
• A's voice is extremely sweet over the phone
• The body works museum: fabe'ayye aalaa'e rabbekomaa tokazzebaan
• Houston is very wide and flat
• Met a neurosurgeon who works at UHN in Toronto; encourages me to go back; brain drain
• Need to wake up at 6:20 am tomorrow
• It is 1:02 am today
• Revise: need to wake up at 6:20 am today
• Have missed my M awfully
• Chamomile tea does make me calm
• Ice cream makes me even calmer
• A cat walked on my lap tonight
• Good midnight!

A scattered mind in Houston TX

I arrived here last night. It is warm and slightly humid here, which is a nice contrast to the air conditioned conference rooms and cabs. I am here for the LINC conference, mainly focused on neurovascular diseases, case studies, and complications. So far I really liked the first day of the conference.
It is hard though being away from home, i.e. Iran or Canada. Honestly I feel much better and more comfortable in Canada. I know a lot more about the culture, and people are so kind and friendly and welcoming. I feel being tagged on a lot lately, being questioned if I know of a place or of a tradition, and half of the times I don't. It is strange.
Some times I think this is the time I got to be who I want to be. I always have new plans and I always think about sudden changes in direction. However, lately I keep reminding myself that this is all I have got. There is no future to look forward to for being another person. All is present.
One of the sudden changes that cross my mind once in a while is to stay home again, for a year or less, to be with Arman at this age. I am in a deep controversy actually. I am ambitious in my work, I know that, and I like my work. But I love spending more time with Arman too.
I guess my mind is scattered again! But there is a season for every thing. This season is for me to be in Houston, or didn't I choose to be here?

The Religon of Love

"Self-righteousness is a disease of religion". [Living presence by Kabir Edmund Helminski]
I am wondering. I am contemplating ...

Happy Eid

Happy Eid every one! It is a little nostalgic the first day after the fasting month, but there is a sense of accomplishment and God willing enlightenment with it which I adore.

I had my first meeting with my new manager today. I was going there and I had this betrayal feeling I had the day I went to a dentist who was neither of my parents. But by the end of the meeting I had a much better feeling. This new manager seems also like a very good mentor, and he knows what he is doing, direct to the point. I am glad and grateful we had this meeting.

There is this saying of "it is not personal, it is business" which I cannot digest. After all we are human beings and whatever we do is personal. The corporate, the business, is only a means through which we show our personality and hopefully grow to be a better person. I think believing in this slang is similar to believing in "it is ego, it is not morale".

a letter from 20 years ago

It is more than twenty years that I can write!
I read a letter, a piece of writing. It was written by me. I had written it twenty years ago and had read it in the public of my family: aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I read it again today and I thought I was reading another person's writing.
In the letter I had explained that we had fled our cities to a safe place with the whole family. I had impressed how joyful it was to be with all the loved ones and how painful it was for me to think of other people who had not the luxury of a shelter like I had. I was not even 10 years old when I wrote the letter but I felt the ache even now when I read it. When I read what I had written as if reading another person's writing!

She

She sits on a bench. There are autumn leaves all over the ground. A chilly breeze caresses her hair and blends with her sigh. Her eyes are melting with sorrow. Glimpses of tears at the edge of her eyes become obvious once in a while, tears that never fall down her chick but are welled in her heart.
She looks at the sky. It is blue, autumnal blue.
She gets up the bench and walks to the tall tree in front of her. Puts her two hands on the trunk of the tree. A narrow tall tree, live under her fingers. She follows the tall trunk with her eyes to the sky and roots her feet in the earth. Her tears in her heart becomes the moist inside the branches. The tree is alive. She is alive. That is all that matters. She is.

Restructuring

It has been lovely hearing from concerned friends about my new situation at work. Things are starting to get some form. Our group is restructured with a new manager, and more changes is inevitable.

It was great hearing from my ex-manager after he left that he believed in my abilities to even take leadership role in conducting the tasks, although I am not planning to do so. And it was great revisiting the fact that despite the occasional hardships we had at work we had built a constructive working relationship through which we could conduct efficiently and effectively. I appreciate his mentoring me; like I never forget my experience with the kindest boss I ever had whom I worked with at Canspec.

I have started reviewing some vocabulary work. It is a very nice experience for me, a different hobby, and fun to bring the dusty words from the back of my mind in my daily activities. After all it is words we use to communicate. The thought evolves into words to be told.

Dream

There were three friends at our place. We were having something, may be dinner. One of them was playing guitar. And then another friend called, asked if he could join us and I was very happy to find him wanting to spend a lonely night with us.
Did I tell you that I have missed my old friends?

7 days of work

I have been trying to accept the flow of life and not to impose any resistance to it. I am trying to be.

There is nothing permanent in this life.

The impermanent earthly life includes my manager who resigned a couple days ago. I am just observing the dust after his resignation, the people, the flow of life which seems disturbed profoundly. I accepted his departure, and now I accept the people even if their behavior is inappropriate. At the same time I am telling the truth. And I am confessing it has been a challenge for me so far, I am tired. Yet I am going to work tomorrow.

A Sunday at Work

I was driving to work early this morning. It was foggy. There were only a few cars on the road. I could not tell if they were also going to work, or were driving to meet a loved one, or to reunite with nature, hiking on the neighboring hills. In any case it was a unique drive.
May be though I wished I was driving to another destination.
I had a call from a loved one. It was sweet.